(Continued from Part 1)

Be an Advocate for Yourself

Think back to the last time you were on an airplane and the flight attendant was going over the safety instructions...when the oxygen mask drops down from above you are to secure yours first and then help your children or others who need assistance. The same applies to your mental illness except that there is no air mask that automatically drops down. You have to create the life saving devices yourself. You can chose between two roads. Both roads are bumpy, filled with hidden sand traps and detours into never ending thick jungles but one trail gives you some control, knowledge and power and the other leaves you whining and blaming everyone and everything for your misfortune. The one you pick will affect everyone around you - especially your children. The following are some ideas to get you on the right path:

*Take your medications as prescribed
*Tell you doctor immediately if you have an adverse reaction to a new medication
*Get a weekly pill box to help you remember to take your medications
*Make sure you are aware of any severe side effects that could harm you If your medication requires blood tests - don't miss them
*Don't miss appointments with your psychiatrist
*Educate yourself about your illness
*Read books
*Join support groups
*Ask questions of experts
*Know your early warning signs so you can catch an episode before it gets out of control
*Build a support network
*Get into a routine so you don't feel stressed or forget things
*Pick out your work clothes the night before
*Set aside certain days for specific tasks
*Make a family calendar if your family participates a lot of activities
*Make time for yourself
*Eat healthy
*Try to avoid overly stressful situations or situations that can trigger an episode
*Learn relaxation techniques
*Deep breathing
*Pray - if you are religious
*Take a warm bath (try some aromatherapy)
*Do a hobby that is soothing to you
*Enlist the help of family and friends
*Don't overextend yourself

Be an Advocate for Your Child

Often we hear people talk about how resilient children are these days. This is true in many ways, but they still need parental guidance and protection. Especially as they grow older, we as parents, tend to think they don't need us anymore when they still do. Each child is different as we have seen and they each react differently to a parent's mental illness.

Some children feel ashamed or embarrassed by the stigma associated with their parent's mental illness. Often they cannot invite friends home due to an ill parent or are teased by their peers. This can cause them to withdrawal from their peers and community. It is important as a parent that you educate your child about your illness (a little at a time according to their age). Assure them that your illness is a medical illness like diabetes and there is no shame in it. Also reinforce over and over that your illness or episodes are not their fault in any way. They may experience anger, anxiety or guilt over your illness. Take them to a counselor, if only for a short time to help them sort through their feelings.

Other children may take on an inappropriate amount of responsibility in caring for themselves, siblings, the household or even the sick parent. By doing this, they are prevented from normal social interaction with their peer group and from participating in school activities. Their schoolwork may directly suffer due to lack of time for homework or from being overly tired or worried about the parent while at school. Due to poor social relationships they may turn to drugs or alcohol to help them cope, which compounds the problem. Try to find a family member, friend or someone who could watch your child or children while you are sick. Even if you can get someone to come over and help with household chores takes some of the pressure off of the kids.

The presence or availability of a spouse or partner without a mental illness has been shown to improve the outcomes of both the child and the ill parent (Musick, Scott, spencer, Goldman & Cohler, 1987: Puckering, 1989; Tannenbaum & Forehand, 1994; Webster, 1992). There is a bidirectional influence of effects from parent to child and child to parent. Each one's moods and behaviors affects the other's (Goodman & Gotlib, 1999; Hammen, Burge & Adrian, 1991). Having a rational third person around can help keep things on a more level playing field.

Here are a few other ideas and examples that you can do to help your child or children deal with your mental illness and reduce the risk of mental or behavior problems for them:

1. Provide as much stability as possible. It is the disruption of the routine family life that causes more disturbances than the illness of the parent. This is a hard one for everyone - I know I fail frequently; just be aware of how important it is for a child.

2. Help your child find a relationship with another supportive adult - an aunt or uncle, neighbor, teacher, church leaders or even their own counselor.

3. Have a plan in place for when you must be hospitalized. Is there a relative who can take the child during that time? Maybe a school friend's family would be willing to let your child stay with them until you are released. You don't know until you ask, and you don't want to wait until you are in a crisis situation.

4. his cannot be emphasized enough - assure your children that your mental illness has nothing to do with them and isn'ttheir fault. Telling them one time isn't enough.

5. Provide them with a safe environment - free from abuse of any kind: emotional, physical or sexual. If you feel that you cannot handle your children have an alternative place for them to stay until the feelings pass.

6. If problems begin to arise at school explain the situation your child's teachers or the school principal. This will allow them to be better equipped to handle any behavioral problems with compassion. This also opens up a two-way line of communication between you and their school.

7. Seek therapy for your child. Often the school system has psychologists they use that can speak with your child that are no cost to you. If they don't, get them therapy through mental health services or through a private psychologist. This will help them handle your illness as well as teasing from other children; it will give them better coping skills and help build their self-esteem.

8. Enhance the communication between you and your children. Keeping those lines open will help them come to you with their questions instead of drawing their own, probably incorrect, conclusions.

One thing I think that everyone will agree upon is that our children are our most precious commodity and should be given every opportunity at a happy and fulfilled life. Even parents facing mental challenges can provide their children with the tools and skills needed to succeed. Will it be hard? Sure it will, but it will be more than worth it. Don't give up on yourself or your families. The more we educate our loved ones, the more the stigma will lose it's hold over the populous in general.

Book List

Children of Parents with Mental Illness
Vicki Cowling (ed) (1999)

Depression Runs in Families: The Social Context of Risk & Resilience
Hammen, C. (1991)

How to Cope with mental Illness in Your Family: A Self Care Guide for Siblings, Offspring and Parents
Diane T. Marsh, Rex M. Dickens (1998)

Let's Talk About When Your Mom or Dad is Unhappy
Diana Star Helmer (1999)

Out of the Darkened Room: Protecting the Children and Strengthening the Family When a Parent is Depressed
William R. Beardslee, M.D.

Parental Psychiatric Disorder; Distressed Parents & Their Families
Geopfert M. Webster, J. Seaman (eds) (1996)

Schizophrenia & Parenting
Michael Ferriter (1999)

Self Esteem for Boys
Brewer-Hartley (2000)

Self Esteem for Girls
Elizabeth Hartley-Brewer (2000)

Successful Child: What Parents Can Do to Help Kids Turn Out Well
William Sears, Martha Sears (2002)

Volcano in my Tummy: Helping Children to Handle Anger
Elaine Whitehouse (1998)

The Welfare of Children with Mentally Ill Parents Learning from Inter-Country Comparisons
Racheal Hetherington, Ilan Katz, Karen Baistow (2001)

When Families Fail: Psychological Disorders Caused by Parent-Child Relational Problems
Dan Harmon (2000)

When Parents Have Problems: Teens and Older Children with an Abusive, Alcoholic or Mentally Ill Parent
Susan B. Miller (1995)

Why Are You So Sad: A Child's Book About Parental Depression
Beth Andrews (2002)