We've all heard the saying that to assume makes "an ass out of you and me." Did you also know that assumption is the lowest form of knowledge? And yet we use the lowest form of knowledge so often in our relationships every day with our partners. Assumption It happens in at least two ways: 1. Since I know what I like and need, I'll give the same thing to my partner. 2. If my partner really loved me, he/she should know what I want and need. It's one of the main ways we flunk couple communication. Asking Let's blow a popular myth about couples right out of the water. You know the one that goes, "It doesn't count if I have to ask." If that's true, then just how are we going to find out? I work with the minds of people all day long, but I still can't read them. Instead, I just ask lots of questions. Here are a few that I recommend to discover how your partner sees and experiences the world: Is this what you mean? Do I have it right? In order to feel the most loved, do you need to see it, feel it, or hear it? What does love look like to you? What do you think is romantic? If you don't know, ask. You have to A-S-K to GE-T. Assimilation For our purposes, assimilation means to take the information you asked for and received and make it a part of your working knowledge of your partner. Using a computer metaphor, you need to install the information you have learned in your own brain and make it a part of your data base. Many folks get in trouble when they ask their partner for information, forget to install it and then have to ask again and again. Whether intended or not, this sends the message that you were not really listening or interested, and/or that you don't really care. Action! I realize this may sound too simple, but once you install this stuff you must use it. Knowing what to do and doing it are not the same. In fact, they are very different . Understanding is a good thing. We all like to be understood. But if it stops there, it stops too short of what's needed. To get an "A" in this last part of couples' communication, you have to put your understanding into action, what I call putting hands and feet on what you know. |
